I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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