I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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