Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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