just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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