you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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