Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
