I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
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