Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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