then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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