I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Let's get the cat blown out
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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