New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
