At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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