I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
