If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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