puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
