apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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