oh fat girl friday strikes again...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
