wrigley field is MILF paradise
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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