how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
