highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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