I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
