i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
