Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
