if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
