Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
