I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
