I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
