Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
