I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
