sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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