I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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