I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
