Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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