and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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