Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
