Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
