We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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