My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
