Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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