The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
