Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
