You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
