Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
