i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
