We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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