The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
