I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
