I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
