My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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