Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
