There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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