if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
someone owes me an orgasm
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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