trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Randomize
