My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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